Wasting my "Season" by Waiting for Changes

I'm reading So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore. I have never thought of myself as being insecure; as a matter of fact, I have always prided myself in my security, boldness, abilities.  Maybe that is where the problem started -- pride.  In the past, I have been very judgmental, self-righteous, stubborn, and at times, hateful.  I have been very quick deciding why other people were in the positions they were, what actions those people should have taken, and where the blame should be placed.  Now, I find myself in the "other people's" shoes. Other people are judging why I am in the place I am, what I should have done to prevent it, what I should do now, etc.  Do they know me? NO.  Do they know the circumstances? NO.  Did I when I was doing the very same thing? NO.  Have I learned from this? YES-- absolutely, Yes, and again, I say, YES.  

So I'm reading Beth's book [and, yes, she is quickly becoming a first-name friend] on insecurity.  And I found out who DOES know all about me and my situation and my feelings and my hurt.  She writes, "God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took.  He knows the number it played on your [my] mind.  Let Him bring you peace.  Let Him tell you you're worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for...."  I'm not sure I believe that last statement yet; I'm not sure I AM worth wanting or loving, but I'm working on it.

The title of this particular post is "Wasting my 'Season' by Waiting for Changes" -- Ms. Moore tells me that God uses change to change us; he uses change to "coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, or destiny."  I'm working on moving to the next level; I'm working on not being sad all of the time.  I am trying not to waste this season of my life by waiting for things to change.  I am in the midst of being a catalyst to that change by trying to be content, to be happy again, and to be loving and understanding of those who are going through changes in their lives.

I feel that this post has been a rambling, disconnected piece of writing.  Yet, it is what I feel.

Things they are STILL achanging!

Top 10 Ways I have changed in the last 2 years:

[1] I can break into tears at any given moment without any warning.

[2] I can dry up tears and break into uncontrollable laughter at any given moment without any warning.

[3] I have little or no patience for people who have authority over others but show little compassion for those over which they have authority [as in a job situation].

[4] I am not as judgmental as I used to be.  I know people are going through "stuff" that nobody else is aware of.

[5] I spend an inordinate amount of time alone.   Most of the time, this is okay -- which is a HUGE change for me.

[6] I spend an inordinate amount of time in prayer...even when I am sitting in meetings, going to work, "playing" with fondant.

[7] I have a terrible time keeping my confidence level up -- never a problem before.

[8] I don't have to be 'right' all the time.

[9] I want people to respect me, but I don't particularly care if they like me.

[10] I have developed an uncanny ability to discern God's will for me most of the time, ie my ministries I spoke of in earlier posts.

Here I am again....Still learning

Yes, it's been since October of last year since a post.  Yes, in that post, I made mention of posting on a more regular basis.  Yes, that was 9 months ago, another Thanksgiving and Christmas season celebrated, another New Year rung in, another birthday [geez] sort of celebrated, another cold, cold winter, followed by too brief of a spring, and now in the midst of an oh-so-hot and humid Alabama summer.

And my "Season of Life"?  Well, now at 56 years of age, I find myself waiting for the finalization of a divorce after 37 years of marriage.  I find myself figuring out how to live this life alone -- financially, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.  I find myself eagerly awaiting retirement, as the place in which I find myself in my career is uncomfortable and frustrating, to say the least.

The GOOD part of all of this is this: I am continuing the baking saga but it has transformed itself a bit into a cake decorating saga, and while I have never been "artistic" by anyone's measure, I find that "playing" with gumpaste and fondant very relaxing, interesting, and fun.  For some reason, God has given this to me, and I try to remember each time I finish a cake to thank Him.  He has given this to me as something to do during the hours at the house alone, as something to build my confidence back up, and as something to bring smiles to the "cake getters"!

So...back to my Season of Life - My ministry I spoke of in an earlier blog is making its way into a fairly regular part of my life.  By making and delivering soup to the Hospice House, I am taking the focus from me and my situation and placing it on those in dire need of comfort and soup is the only way I know to help.  My cakes is my ministry to myself, as odd as that sounds.  It interests me, it keeps my mind occupied while I'm at home alone, and it truly brings me joy.

I try to always remember as I continue my journey through this changed life of mine that in Micah 6:8, the Lord pretty much lays it out there: "...what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"  So that's what I am focusing on - being just, merciful, and humble.

Above is a shower cake for one of my sweetest friends!  It was great fun!

Ok...I will post more often....Have I said that before?   

Blessings.