Wasting my "Season" by Waiting for Changes

I'm reading So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore. I have never thought of myself as being insecure; as a matter of fact, I have always prided myself in my security, boldness, abilities.  Maybe that is where the problem started -- pride.  In the past, I have been very judgmental, self-righteous, stubborn, and at times, hateful.  I have been very quick deciding why other people were in the positions they were, what actions those people should have taken, and where the blame should be placed.  Now, I find myself in the "other people's" shoes. Other people are judging why I am in the place I am, what I should have done to prevent it, what I should do now, etc.  Do they know me? NO.  Do they know the circumstances? NO.  Did I when I was doing the very same thing? NO.  Have I learned from this? YES-- absolutely, Yes, and again, I say, YES.  

So I'm reading Beth's book [and, yes, she is quickly becoming a first-name friend] on insecurity.  And I found out who DOES know all about me and my situation and my feelings and my hurt.  She writes, "God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took.  He knows the number it played on your [my] mind.  Let Him bring you peace.  Let Him tell you you're worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for...."  I'm not sure I believe that last statement yet; I'm not sure I AM worth wanting or loving, but I'm working on it.

The title of this particular post is "Wasting my 'Season' by Waiting for Changes" -- Ms. Moore tells me that God uses change to change us; he uses change to "coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, or destiny."  I'm working on moving to the next level; I'm working on not being sad all of the time.  I am trying not to waste this season of my life by waiting for things to change.  I am in the midst of being a catalyst to that change by trying to be content, to be happy again, and to be loving and understanding of those who are going through changes in their lives.

I feel that this post has been a rambling, disconnected piece of writing.  Yet, it is what I feel.

Things they are STILL achanging!

Top 10 Ways I have changed in the last 2 years:

[1] I can break into tears at any given moment without any warning.

[2] I can dry up tears and break into uncontrollable laughter at any given moment without any warning.

[3] I have little or no patience for people who have authority over others but show little compassion for those over which they have authority [as in a job situation].

[4] I am not as judgmental as I used to be.  I know people are going through "stuff" that nobody else is aware of.

[5] I spend an inordinate amount of time alone.   Most of the time, this is okay -- which is a HUGE change for me.

[6] I spend an inordinate amount of time in prayer...even when I am sitting in meetings, going to work, "playing" with fondant.

[7] I have a terrible time keeping my confidence level up -- never a problem before.

[8] I don't have to be 'right' all the time.

[9] I want people to respect me, but I don't particularly care if they like me.

[10] I have developed an uncanny ability to discern God's will for me most of the time, ie my ministries I spoke of in earlier posts.

Here I am again....Still learning

Yes, it's been since October of last year since a post.  Yes, in that post, I made mention of posting on a more regular basis.  Yes, that was 9 months ago, another Thanksgiving and Christmas season celebrated, another New Year rung in, another birthday [geez] sort of celebrated, another cold, cold winter, followed by too brief of a spring, and now in the midst of an oh-so-hot and humid Alabama summer.

And my "Season of Life"?  Well, now at 56 years of age, I find myself waiting for the finalization of a divorce after 37 years of marriage.  I find myself figuring out how to live this life alone -- financially, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.  I find myself eagerly awaiting retirement, as the place in which I find myself in my career is uncomfortable and frustrating, to say the least.

The GOOD part of all of this is this: I am continuing the baking saga but it has transformed itself a bit into a cake decorating saga, and while I have never been "artistic" by anyone's measure, I find that "playing" with gumpaste and fondant very relaxing, interesting, and fun.  For some reason, God has given this to me, and I try to remember each time I finish a cake to thank Him.  He has given this to me as something to do during the hours at the house alone, as something to build my confidence back up, and as something to bring smiles to the "cake getters"!

So...back to my Season of Life - My ministry I spoke of in an earlier blog is making its way into a fairly regular part of my life.  By making and delivering soup to the Hospice House, I am taking the focus from me and my situation and placing it on those in dire need of comfort and soup is the only way I know to help.  My cakes is my ministry to myself, as odd as that sounds.  It interests me, it keeps my mind occupied while I'm at home alone, and it truly brings me joy.

I try to always remember as I continue my journey through this changed life of mine that in Micah 6:8, the Lord pretty much lays it out there: "...what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"  So that's what I am focusing on - being just, merciful, and humble.

Above is a shower cake for one of my sweetest friends!  It was great fun!

Ok...I will post more often....Have I said that before?   

Blessings.

INDEED, the seasons, they are achanging

     Here it is, October 19...I haven't posted since October 6.  I was beginning to think that this blogging thing was just a thing.  But I'm back and going to try to be more "faithful" to posting, for no other reason than my own sanity and therapy.
     Since last here, I have seen the concept of "Life's Seasons" in the Women's Bible Study in which I am participating, in my Sunday School lesson, and in the Daily Prayer Challenge I read occasionally.  It's funny how things work that way.  I think about something, and then, lo and behold, I see it everywhere.  Maybe it's because of the targeted audience that I have seen in my readings, but it happens quite often.
     For instance, I have been recently considering what God has in mind for my ministry in this particular "Life Season."  I am pretty sure of what He has in mind because He is bringing it to me over and over again.  And, once again, lo and behold...I was reading my latest copy of Southern Living, and a floral designer was featured arranges "extra" flowers and takes them to the local hospice.  What a lovely idea..How wonderful for those who are confined inside and who are approaching the final "Life Season."  I KNOW God is leading me toward a ministry with some sort of hospice care group. How it touched my heart when I read  "Until you are actually in that situation, you have no idea what that family is going through.  It gives you a deeper compassion for them" and "You don't have to have the talent for flower arranging, but you do have to know the meaning of giving." 
     I want to "know" the meaning of giving and to know it intimately.  I need to turn my focus outward.  I need to quit worrying only about me and my situation, and know that many, MANY others are in dire straits and in far worse places that I will ever be. 
     The Season of my Life has brought me to this.  You gain more by caring about others.  Wow...what a novel concept.  I think I've heard that before -- Yep..."Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" – Matthew 22:37-39.  And how about this one: "Whatever you did for one of the least of these, you did for me." Matthew 25:40. 
     The center of my world is no longer the center of my world.  The world does not really revolve around me.  Don't get me wrong. I have to continually remind myself of these concepts.  I am forever slipping back into the "all about me" life that I have lived for 55 years now.  It's not easy changing old habits, especially when the old habits center around my wants and desires. 
     Verses from the Bible keep coming to me in a variety of modes. Coincidence? I think not.  Some answers to life's questions are just too easy. In Micah 6:8, He pretty much lays it out there: "...what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?" 
     I'm trying. God knows I am trying.
   

Seasons Bring Changes....in Priorities and Thoughts

Things that matter: Integrity, Honest, Thoughtful, Peaceful, Prayerful, Fun-spirited Things that DON'T matter: Quantity [as opposed to quality], Correctness, Being important, Being "right"

The thought that comes to me more and more lately:  Don't expect more from others than you expect from yourself.

I'm frustrated and tired tonight....So these random thoughts are all for tonight.  I will expound later.

Peace.

A Season of Rain

Today is the Lord's Day.  I put away thoughts of baking bread, buying a washing machine, prepping for work.....Just going to church...a sermon on Living a Life of Service. If you have been reading my blog this week, you will be doing a double take about now.  I am working towards finding my "ministry" and Bro Jim preaches on wanting to serve, on being willing to serve...It was not a coincidence.  God is so good.  He is helping me think this thing through.....not hitting me over the head with a "lightbulb" moment, but letting me take inventory of whatever gifts and talents and interests and abilities I have that can be translated into a helping ministry. 

After church, Hayden and Connor [grandsons] and I ate lunch and spent some time at Barnes and Noble.  Precious, precious time.  And the rains came.  Rains of blessing, rains of love, rains of relaxation...oh, yeah, and rains of RAIN...and rain and rain and rain.  Cool, autumn, soaking rain. 

A change of season is here...in the South, in Alabama, in Tuscaloosa, in my house, and most importantly, in my heart.  I am going to learn to be what I am even when I am living by myself....to be what I can be through the guidance of my Lord, the love of my family, the help of my dear, dear friends, and the sheer determination of myself.

So be it.  I am going to be okay. I am. 

New Frustration....New Bread

What a beautiful autumn day in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  My plans were to do a couple of loads of laundry, try a new bread recipe, and possibly begin painting my bathroom before two of my grandsons came to visit.  A little ambitious, yes...but do-able [with the exception of the painting].  Completed one load of laundry, put the second one in and got started on Romano Garlic French Bread. Mixed up dough, set it on stovetop with oven on "Warm", covered with towel to raise...and went to take a shower.  This is the point where my day began to quiver a bit....It didn't completely go downhill but certainly had the potential to start in that direction.

While in the shower, I hear a loud beeping sound....much like that of an alarm.  I stick my head out of shower door; it wasn't the security system...wasn't the alarm clock...hmmmmm....yep, it was the smoke alarm.  Wrap my wet self up in a towel....follow the direction of the noise into the kitchen.  Oven was not set on "Warm" but on "Broil" and the towel that was covering my dough was turning dark in places as it was directly against the oven vent.  Ok...no harm done.  Yes, I'll be more careful next time....Turn oven knob to LEFT [Warm] rather than to the RIGHT [Broil].  I will definitely be more careful from here on out...as I said yesterday -- awareness is the key.

Finish shower; go to check laundry.  Hmmm.....washer is filled with water but doing nothing. Knob in; knob out.  Nothing. Check the electricity by unplugging washer and plugging curling iron in...light came on so electricity is there.  And, yes, checking juice with curling iron is a girlie, girlie thing to do, but it was my first instinct. So I have a completely idle washer full of water and very heavy wet towels. 

Now is the time that I must interject the reason for this blog as my form of therapy and reflection.  I wasn't going to mention this "seasonal change" in my life just yet, but the near "come apart" that followed the "idle washer" is the direct result, so I feel I must. 

It was 13 1/2 months ago that my husband of 36 years announced that he needed to "get away for a while".  So I am pretty much on my own physically, emotionally, ....literally on my own. Not entirely financially, but in every other aspect..alone. 

So when my washer full of water and towels sits idle, the anger and bitterness and frustration inside of me bubble and gurgle and spew and stew.  And I cry.  Not a lot, but cry nonetheless.  Tears still come easy.  But after 13 1/2 months, they also end easier now that they did even just a month or two ago.

I take a deep breath and begin to look at my options.  Then I remember the shop vac my husband received for Christmas several years ago, which is [along with many, many of his other left behind belongings] in the storage room. I retrieve my shop vac and begin to 'suck' the water from the washer.  Of course, I don't realize when the cannister of the shop vac reaches its capacity, the water will BLOW out of the opposite side...shooting across the laundry room, ricocheting against the wall and out into the pantry.  Huge sigh...but in a small way, a success.  No tears come.  Only laughter...yes, it is hysterical laughter, but laughter nonetheless.

Another alarm sounds. This time it is the oven timer for the bread, which has been raising this entire time.  Take care of the dough and get it in the oven...which by the way, requires a pan of water on the shelf below it.  I do not have time to investigate the reasoning behind this, but at some point, I will.  Back to the laundry room debacle.

I empty the shop vac cannister; vacuum the water all over the floor and the remaining water in the machine.  Whoops.  Cannister is full again...spraying wall again.  Huge sigh.  A bad word.  Take cannister outside and empty and start again.  This time, guess what? I pay attention to how full the cannister is getting so it does not spew again.  Again, awareness is key to everything.

How does this annoying, frustrating, obnoxious day end? 

With two lovely loaves of Romano Garlic French Bread, an hour at the play area at McDonald's with an 8 year old and a 4 year old giggling as they play "Hide n Seek" in the maze of slides and chutes, a nutritious meal resplendent with French Fries and Hot Fudge Sundaes, and a pallet of 5 quilts in the living room floor with those same 2 little guys breathing deeply as they fall asleep under Mamaw's watchful eyes.

A season of life that is full of learning -- how to bake bread, how to live alone, how to become resourceful and independent; and full of loving -- grandsons and granddaughter, Yorkies, autumn evenings, quietness of my house.

I'm going to be okay.  It's just going to take a bit longer.

I

Today I realized...

I'm new to Blogging; this is only my third day.  So, here's what I did today.  I 'googled' my blog - just out of curiosity to see if it would be found and what that would be like. Lame, yes...nevertheless, I did it...that's just me.   

You know what I found out when I 'googled' "My Life's Seasons" + blog?  I found out that I am only one of many who are contemplating their "Life's Seasons."  Did I actually think that this was a dilemma of mine, and only mine? Knowing how I began to think of life as seasonal, I wonder how so many others did the same.

How did this thought process begin for me?

My daughter, Kim, told me a while back that some things I was doing and/or contemplating doing were natural for the "season" of my life.  That one comment. That was it. And now, I think about it all of the time.  I use the concept sometimes as a "rationale", sometimes as a "justification", sometimes as an "excuse" for my decisions and/or behavior.  I go on "chick-trips" rather than family vacations.  I get pedicures just to get to sit in the vibrating chair.  I overlook dust in order to finish reading a chapter of a good book.  I eat in bed and give my Yorkies bites.  I drink a glass of wine every day. Not red wine for its medicinal purposes. Blush wine because it's good. I get massages on occasion.  I work, but I leave it AT work.

Lest anyone think I have become totally self-absorbed, I have become obsessed with finding my "ministry" for my life.  What can I do that will help others?  What can I do that will affect others not as blessed as I am? How can I make someone else's life better that doesn't involve simply writing a check?  How can I achieve this "ministry" with grace? Can I be a "minister" without having my pride destroy any good that might otherwise result?  Big questions.  Not sure I have the answers to ANY of them.

My "ministry" and my breadbaking are connected.  I'm not sure just how as of yet, but they are definitely connected.....will have to give this a lot more thought.

A Season of Change

By their very nature, seasons connote change--whether for good or ill, changes nonetheless.  And of course, human life itself is defined by change...infant, toddler, child, adolescent, and on and on.  So here I am at the onset of autumn -- literally in both the year of 2009 and in my life.  At age 55, I am no longer "middle age" as that would have me living to about the age of 110 - probably not going to happen. 

So as the days grow shorter and the temps grow cooler, so I grow a little slower -- not necessarily physically [although that is definitely noticeable at times] but slower mentally at times..."What was his name?"  "Who wrote that book I JUST read?" and on and on.  I look for glasses perched on my head to be able to read the simplest of recipes or just a phone number or a computer screen.  I have determined the best way to function in a somewhat normal manner AND to contribute to a "greener" world is to make lists.....lots and lots of lists. Grocery lists, to do lists, errands to run lists -- you name it, I list it...How does this make our fine world "greener"?  Not so many trips....Take the list and get everything at ONCE...instead of 4 or 5 or 9 trips. 

Does "listing" improve my plight?  No, but as with everything..AWARENESS is key.  Once you are aware of a handicap, a weakness -- you deal with it.

Just today -- prime example -- I have decided to teach myself to make bread.  I did it once last week with fair success.  It needed more salt, but overall, I was pleased.  It wasn't real tasty, but I was able to determine why and vowed to continue this trek. And so, I tried again today.  Dissolved the yeast, added eggs, added all other ingredients, and placed in a greased bowl to rise............forgot to KNEAD.

Ok, so we get it.  I'm not old, but I'm not young.  I am beginning to compensate for these changes in my "season" of life.  These compensations work until the next "glitch" occurs [like the need for kneading].  My compensation for now is NOT to quit trying for the perfect loaf of bread, but rather to keep the cookbook out on the page and using a "sticky note" to move down the recipe as I go step by step.  It'll work.  I will get it and I will eventually turn out a decent loaf of bread.

Then, another "glitch" will mark my "season" once more.

Life's Seasons

Ok...First time blogger here. Not sure that I have anything to say that anyone will want to read, but the Life Season in which I find myself has left me with the need to write. Not for the reader, but for the writer -- me. And maybe, just maybe, someone else going through the same season will share experiences with me. Or maybe, just maybe, someone else will read my thoughts and have an easier time of it when it comes around for her/him.

Ok...as I reread that first paragraph, I don't think I have to worry about having a lot of "followers". So let me repeat, this blog is going to be my form of therapy.